i'm gonna start this story by telling it like the greatest storyteller of all time, sophia petrillo.
picture it, michigan, august 2020. as any gay kid who was growing up, in michigan, or any other place for that matter, we looked for love in apps like yubo/wink/omeggle/etc. and at this time, by golly, i thought i found it! we matched and started talking, bonding over our love to win in mario kart, and trying to see who would win in the competition. after talking on and off for a few days, he let me know that he would be in my area (Grand Rapids) for the weekend, and he'd love to see me. so in every way, i was so excited. i lied to my parents (chill, friends. i was 16, and i KNEW this kid ;) ), and told them i was going to meet a friend in GR, whom i met at a convention. we met up, got coffee, and walked around to all my favorite spots in GR.
after going through the AMWAY HOTEL, and showing him overlook park, a park that overlooks the city, we headed back to his car, and at this time 16 year-old landon was falling hard for this boy. he was EVERYTHING i wanted and then some. conscious of my feelings, conscious of my emotions, and conscious that i was SO excited to be able to show him all of my favorite spots. when we arrived at his car, and i dropped him off, i drove the entire way home with a smile plastered on my face, but also a frown. he lived a good two hours away, and i had no idea the next time i would see him, and that scared me. but, i couldn't deny, i was IN love. and there was no stopping it.
a few days into the budding relationship, after a few facetimes, and a TON of texting, he let me in on the fact that he was struggling mentally, because he wanted to see me more, and wasn't sure when we could see each other next, so he wasn't sure if this was going to work out. being the mom-type person that i am, i told him: "never fret, i'll make you a care package with ALL of your favorite things, and send it to you, and brighten your day because i care." and as i started to make the package, i started to feel him slipping away from me, and it killed me. but, i kept on making it, filling it with his favorite candies (milky ways and swedish fish), his favorite color (maroon), his favorite hobbies (little photography knick-knacks), and little sunshine things (yellow trinkets). on the top of the box i wrote: "even in darkness, i can still see your sun".
on the day i was set to send the box, he hit me with the line i had been dreading..."i don't think this is gonna work out, but i still wanna be friends." (not exactly that, but you get the gist.) he told me he didn't want a relationship at that point, and then i found out that he got in a relationship shortly afterward. to me, he was everything that i wanted and then some, and i was so shattered that he could move on so FUCKING fast, and i was still left to cry and pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.
after crying, eating all the candy i had purchased for him, and throwing out the box, i realized something...i had just experienced my VERY FIRST REAL heartbreak. this is what it felt like to be heartbroken and alone. at this time, i was out to VERY LITTLE people, so i didn't have a network of people i could talk to about it, other than my 13-year-old sister, and a few friends.
little did i know that that heartbreak 16-year-old me experienced would set the precedent for most, if not all of my future relationships. it was so unexpected. so raw. so painful. and i never correctly/fully healed from that. leading me to the title of this post: broken hearts break hearts.
now, we all know the saying: "hurt people hurt people", but i wanna take it a step further. people with broken hearts almost always break hearts around them to make people feel the way they feel. consciously or not. NOW, i am not saying that i hurt people on purpose, that's not me, and we know that...well, at least, i hope you do. i am saying, though, that my heart never healed, so i gravitated toward the people in which had broken hearts, or who i thought could repair my broken heart.
there have been may-a-missed-steps for landon. truly. every heartbreak has pushed me to be the person i am today. the person who is writing this post. 16-year-old me never thought that i would be doing this. that i would be out, be aware, be accepted, be able to love whomever i chose, but the funniest thing...i still miss him. i have had my heart broken multiple times since then, and i miss every single one, and i don't know why! i have spent so long finding me, and loving me for me, and cherishing me for me, and giving me for me, and holding me for me, and cheering on me for me, that i lost sight of the broken heart, and focused on my fragile ego, and fixed that instead.
today, october 7th at 12:36 a.m., i have been heartbroken 23 times and counting. tomorrow might be 24. and i'm learning that that's ok. i'm learning to love me for me. to accept me for me. to hold out hope for me...for me. i'm learning how to repair my shattered heart and pick up the pieces that i have neglected for a year now.
it's been 399 days since i got that text that gave me my first heartbreak. and it's been a wild and crazy 399 days since. i've made mistakes. i've made choices. and they've too, lead me here. to tell you this story. so thank you, L. thank you for breaking my heart. thank you for showing me that there was so much more to life than you. and thank you to all the other guys who broke my heart. you showed me i wasn't ready for you, just yet. that I still had work to do, and so did YOU.
my most recent heartbreak was this previous month, and i'm still reeling from it. still devastated. still raw. still pained. but i'm ok. it's ok. i'm gonna be ok.
so, i guess this entire story is to tell you that if you are pained, raw, hurt, frustrated, broken... know that you will be ok. trust me.
i love you all.
xoxo, landon <3